I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Too much, I believe. I’m very used to taking things as they are, and seeing things as they’re shown to me. I often see beyond what is shown, and I think I’ve come to take that for granted. I also have just realised a huge truth about myself.
There have been so many times in the past that I’ve worried that I’ve done wrong, that I let myself down by giving up on love and going for the sexual relationships I’ve had. I realized that I often hurt myself by picking to be with men who wanted nothing more than sex from me, and then actually caring for them and doing the complete girly thing by thinking -deep down where I never even admitted it to myself - that maybe I could be the one to change them. Or that maybe the sexual chemistry meant he was “the one”. Then I’d fall into the trap of thinking I was only good for sexual relationships, becasue those were all I was good at.
Three times in my life I’ve actually let myself believe I might’ve found Him. The one. Two of those times, I was the one to walk away. I was the one to let things go because the intensity of what I felt, so soon, scared me. The third time, the last time, he was the one to walk away. When he did, I worried that it was karmic payback for my not having faith in the first two.
Not one of these times was I ever in love. I’ve never let myself go that far. These are just the men that stick in my mind as reminders of times when I COULD HAVE had something, but I didn’t let myself. Tonight I realized why I didn’t actually open myself to them. It seems I am an all or nothing person in this department too.
You see, I’ve been talking with a friend. A friend who is ten years younger than me, but in the exact same place in her life as I was when I walked away from the first guy. And she’s in the same sort of situation with a man right now. I see myself in her, and I see the path I chose so clearly, and I want to tell her to choose the other one.
At the same time as talking to her quite a bit lately, I’ve been debating the whole “get to know him even if there are no butterflies” thing. The fact that I’ve decided to try and back away from the stricly lovers type of relationships I’ve sadly, grown used to, and get to knwo the men I meet in hopes that a relationship will grow. And you know what? I realized that I don’t like to get to know them without those butterflies in my tummy simply because, to me, the risk might not be worth the reward. By that I mean, I’ve realized why I have such a high wall around my heart. Because it is so soft, and so vulnerable.
It’s not worth getting hurt if the payoff isn’t going to be forever. Or if there is a chance the payoff might not be forever.
I’ve realised that I can not open up just a little, because opening up a little still opens me up to hurt. And if I keep things as just sexual, I can protect my heart.
The question is, should I protect my heart at the risk of my self esteem, because I do see that staying in strictly sexaul relationshiips is hurting me too. I’m starting to wonder if I’m capable of more…and that hurts too. So, is it better to opne and be hurt by another, or to know that the hurt you feel is caused by your own actions?
– Sasha White
You are going to come to me. And when you reach my door you will find a blindfold hanging on the doorknob and the door open a crack. Enter the room, close the door behind you and put on the blindfold. Then wait there quietly for me.
